I know it's been awhile...

Probably because there is not much happening on the bedfront. Which is good. Last 2 appointments have been encouraging measuring at 2.6 and 2.4. I am having a hard time today though...Your big sister's birthday is next week and I have a whole list of chores to do that I had to hand off to your daddy. It's so hard for me to not feel part of it. I love doing that stuff. I would have been up and dressed early with Ella, stopped at Starbucks and then had a girls day with her picking out plates, cakes, gift bags, etc. Instead I have to let go. I really don't have a problem doing that UNLESS it's for one of my girls. You and your sister are my life. I lay in bed for 20 weeks to get her to term as well. You will both always be the most important thing to me and I get insane joy from doing stuff for you both. Right now though my being here is for you and that has to be my priority.

We have  hit and passed the 28 week mark. Currently I'm 29 weeks and getting antsy. 6 more weeks of strict bedrest is NOTHING. . At my last ultrasound we watched you suck on your feet. You were weighing in at 2 lbs 5 oz. and I'm starting to believe that I am really going to have another baby. Do you think you can just stay put for at least 6-7 more weeks?

Setting the mood

It's amazing how an appointment can set the mood for the week. I haven't had a lot of luck in that department. I'm sorry. Last week I remained stable at 1.9 cm, but the amniotic sac was funneling into the top of the cervix and you were kicking with all your might, right there. Dr. Arrabal spoke of hospital bedrest if it got worse this week. I hate when he calls us into his office post ultrasound. It's like being called into the principal's office. I am completely indebted to him for all he has done, but sometimes I wish he would just say..."you know it could all be ok". So i spent 3 days crying. Dr. Faber assured me she expected no less from our situation and it was still better than where we had been.

. Which brings me to today...measurements between 2.6 and 2.9 and NO funneling. You daddy and I laughed at Dr. Arrabal who said it was great, but then had to add...still short. Such an optimist. So here I am, almost 27 weeks pregnant and feeling you kick me in my ribs. I have no doubt we can make it 5 more weeks at least.

I love you my sweet daughter.

Still horizontal...

I am a week into this pregnancy with the cerclage. Everyone says I should relax now, but it's so hard. The truth is everything is still so up in the air. Dr. Araball has said that we are still not out of the woods and that of course is the only thing that resonates with me. Our ultrasound showed that the stitches were holding well, even though measurement is down to 1.9 again. There is no funneling which is the most important part. I just really wish you would stay head down. It hurts when you kick in the breech position. Last night you were head down and your daddy felt you kick for the first time from the outside. You kicked him about 5 times and then stopped. He was so thrilled to feel you. Of course, Ella wants to know when you will kick her.  We are at 25 weeks and I just desperately want at least 5 more weeks for you...7 would be better. Dr. Contag said at 32 weeks if all has remained stable I may be able to get off of bedrest. I would love that. It would be just in time for my birthday. Each day I get is a miracle. I just wish I could exhale. Soon enough. It just seems weird that I've only been on bedrest for a month. It seems so much longer. I have gotten little accomplished. I haven't finished a book, a knitting project or a puzzle. I haven't started your sisters birthday video and I haven't written the great american novel. My mind just cannot concentrate long enough. It's frustrating. What I WANT to do is shop for you. I am just still so scared to. I truly believe this is going to happen, I do! I just don't want to tempt the fates yet. I'm so mentally tired my sweet baby girl. I just keep picturing the summer. You are safely here, all round and perfect. Your sister has her summer tan and is splashing around the pool. I can't wait to enjoy the warm sun with you and your daddy and sister. There have never been two little girls in the world who were more wanted than the both of you. You are kicking me right now. I hope it's because you know how loved you are.

The post about praying

In the past 3 weeks, I have prayed a lot. I pray to God for strength to face what ever I need to, I pray to St. Gerard to protect me and you. I pray to the Virgin Mary for her compassion as a mother.And more often than not i just lay there begging to make it full term and that you are healthy. Am I a reliigious person? Not really. But I do believe in prayer. I have to .....And sometimes I question if I'm heard or worthy of a response. How fair is it for a maybe 2 x a month church goer to ask for such HUGE things? Tom pointed out a line he had heard in a show/movie that God hears all prayers and sometimes the answer if just no.

2 days ago I came to Sinai hospital for my weekly ultrasound. My cervix measured .2 cm (2 mm) with U-shaped funneling and both your feet were inside my cervix. I lay there crying. In a whirlwind i was in a room with a bed tilted all the way back. My cervix was not remaining stable anymore. It was no longer following the path it had with your sister. I was 23 wk 4 days pregnant. Within moments I was having an amniocentesis to rule out amniotic infection and had a plan to have the rescue cerclage placed. Tom and I sat there listening to the what ifs... the stats on survival if you were to born and the plan if my water broke which was the most apparent risk, seeing as though the amniotic sack was at the base of my cervix. I prayed. Then I got mad at myself for getting distracted while praying by nurses and phones and fears and tears. Mostly I was just in shock.

By midnight I was in recovery. My water had not broken. They placed 2 stitches and your heartbeat was still gloriously beating . While laying there shivering I thought of all the praying I had done.This was not the stability  and normalcy I had been begging for. However, I look at how 2 weeks earlier I went into L&D with worrisome contractions that apparently had not changed anything and how they moved my u/s appoitnments up a day to Thursdays because of that appointment.And then I remember how Dr. Araball said, we are lucky to be able to still do this. One day later and you would be past the cut off for the surgery. And I thank God for answering my prayers. Sometimes it's not crystal clear, sometimes we have to search for where, when and why they are being answered how they are. But I do believe I am heard. I have to....

I don't want to think of a title...

It's amazing how one decent appointment can make your whole mood change. It makes another week go by a little easier, and at the end of that week we have viability my dear. So my measurement last week was 1.2 cm. This week it ranged between 1.3 and 1.5. Is that good? GOD NO! It sucks barge water. But, it's not worse and Dr. Arraball used the word stable. We love stability. We crave stability.
Right now you are kicking the crap out of the laptop through a giant pillow. Everyday you are getting stronger and I think I am as well. Tomorrow is 2 weeks down, with only 7 more weeks until I am totally happy and 12 more weeks until I get to go to Target again. Piece of cake...baby. We have this.

Nighty night

The night time is the hardest. I don't sleep well. I usually wake every hour or two and then my mind starts working and I pray I just fall back asleep before I start to cry. The days are getting easier in that I have work, visits, reading and movies keeping me busier...but at night....I start to get antsy. It doesn't help that your big sister has come into our bed every single night now. I feel like she needs me more right now so I hate sending her away. I hold her and pray to God that he is willing to give me a second miracle. I have another appointment on Thursday. I can't talk or think about it because the fear of it getting worse is literally crippling. Your sister talks about you non stop. So please. stay put until at least her birthday on March 10. I can't think of a better gift for her except for the knowledge that her little sister will be a reality.

drink water...lots and lots of water

So I felt i was being redundant with my first few posts and was going to put this whole shebang on hold until now...I am 22 weeks and 2 days pregnant with you. YOU are a girl and a very kicky jumpy one at that. Things were going swimmingly until i hit 20 weeks and 6 days and at our follow up anatomy scan we found that once again my cervix is half of what it should be. Measured 2 cm. a week later it measured between 1.9 cm and 1.2 cm. Your foot was in the middle of it.

 I am not a candidate for a cerclage and this makes me very angry. I wanted a preventative one at 14 weeks and was refused based on the fact that i made it to 39 weeks with your big sister and with my condition it was deemed unnecessary surgery and a greater risk than benefit.. So here I am on my back ...again. I'm scared. Your big sister is so incredibly excited about you and doing things with you and the thought that that may not happen breaks me. Yesterday I had a FFN test to determine my chances of going into pre-term labor in the next 2 weeks. It was negative. That bought me a day of not being balled up in the fetal position wondering why I ever let my psych and OB convince me to wean off the Celexa.

So now what? Now...we pray. We pray with all of our might that you stay put for as long as possible. That you continue to grow. That you too get to experience one of your big sister's all face consuming smiles. That you get to experience bed camping, spring time, party dresses and accessories. That you are healthy and full term.

One of my OBs told me yesterday that right now I need to take care of myself from the neck up and he promised me they would do everything to keep things going from the neck down. I will lay here, flat on my back as long as I need to if it means that you will be ok.

I love you.