The post about praying

In the past 3 weeks, I have prayed a lot. I pray to God for strength to face what ever I need to, I pray to St. Gerard to protect me and you. I pray to the Virgin Mary for her compassion as a mother.And more often than not i just lay there begging to make it full term and that you are healthy. Am I a reliigious person? Not really. But I do believe in prayer. I have to .....And sometimes I question if I'm heard or worthy of a response. How fair is it for a maybe 2 x a month church goer to ask for such HUGE things? Tom pointed out a line he had heard in a show/movie that God hears all prayers and sometimes the answer if just no.

2 days ago I came to Sinai hospital for my weekly ultrasound. My cervix measured .2 cm (2 mm) with U-shaped funneling and both your feet were inside my cervix. I lay there crying. In a whirlwind i was in a room with a bed tilted all the way back. My cervix was not remaining stable anymore. It was no longer following the path it had with your sister. I was 23 wk 4 days pregnant. Within moments I was having an amniocentesis to rule out amniotic infection and had a plan to have the rescue cerclage placed. Tom and I sat there listening to the what ifs... the stats on survival if you were to born and the plan if my water broke which was the most apparent risk, seeing as though the amniotic sack was at the base of my cervix. I prayed. Then I got mad at myself for getting distracted while praying by nurses and phones and fears and tears. Mostly I was just in shock.

By midnight I was in recovery. My water had not broken. They placed 2 stitches and your heartbeat was still gloriously beating . While laying there shivering I thought of all the praying I had done.This was not the stability  and normalcy I had been begging for. However, I look at how 2 weeks earlier I went into L&D with worrisome contractions that apparently had not changed anything and how they moved my u/s appoitnments up a day to Thursdays because of that appointment.And then I remember how Dr. Araball said, we are lucky to be able to still do this. One day later and you would be past the cut off for the surgery. And I thank God for answering my prayers. Sometimes it's not crystal clear, sometimes we have to search for where, when and why they are being answered how they are. But I do believe I am heard. I have to....

I don't want to think of a title...

It's amazing how one decent appointment can make your whole mood change. It makes another week go by a little easier, and at the end of that week we have viability my dear. So my measurement last week was 1.2 cm. This week it ranged between 1.3 and 1.5. Is that good? GOD NO! It sucks barge water. But, it's not worse and Dr. Arraball used the word stable. We love stability. We crave stability.
Right now you are kicking the crap out of the laptop through a giant pillow. Everyday you are getting stronger and I think I am as well. Tomorrow is 2 weeks down, with only 7 more weeks until I am totally happy and 12 more weeks until I get to go to Target again. Piece of cake...baby. We have this.

Nighty night

The night time is the hardest. I don't sleep well. I usually wake every hour or two and then my mind starts working and I pray I just fall back asleep before I start to cry. The days are getting easier in that I have work, visits, reading and movies keeping me busier...but at night....I start to get antsy. It doesn't help that your big sister has come into our bed every single night now. I feel like she needs me more right now so I hate sending her away. I hold her and pray to God that he is willing to give me a second miracle. I have another appointment on Thursday. I can't talk or think about it because the fear of it getting worse is literally crippling. Your sister talks about you non stop. So please. stay put until at least her birthday on March 10. I can't think of a better gift for her except for the knowledge that her little sister will be a reality.

drink water...lots and lots of water

So I felt i was being redundant with my first few posts and was going to put this whole shebang on hold until now...I am 22 weeks and 2 days pregnant with you. YOU are a girl and a very kicky jumpy one at that. Things were going swimmingly until i hit 20 weeks and 6 days and at our follow up anatomy scan we found that once again my cervix is half of what it should be. Measured 2 cm. a week later it measured between 1.9 cm and 1.2 cm. Your foot was in the middle of it.

 I am not a candidate for a cerclage and this makes me very angry. I wanted a preventative one at 14 weeks and was refused based on the fact that i made it to 39 weeks with your big sister and with my condition it was deemed unnecessary surgery and a greater risk than benefit.. So here I am on my back ...again. I'm scared. Your big sister is so incredibly excited about you and doing things with you and the thought that that may not happen breaks me. Yesterday I had a FFN test to determine my chances of going into pre-term labor in the next 2 weeks. It was negative. That bought me a day of not being balled up in the fetal position wondering why I ever let my psych and OB convince me to wean off the Celexa.

So now what? Now...we pray. We pray with all of our might that you stay put for as long as possible. That you continue to grow. That you too get to experience one of your big sister's all face consuming smiles. That you get to experience bed camping, spring time, party dresses and accessories. That you are healthy and full term.

One of my OBs told me yesterday that right now I need to take care of myself from the neck up and he promised me they would do everything to keep things going from the neck down. I will lay here, flat on my back as long as I need to if it means that you will be ok.

I love you.